Mastering Emotions: A Practical Guide to Regaining Control
Galya · · 3 min read
Emotions tell us something about our beliefs, values and identity. They can enrich our lives, and they can also cause real damage when they run unchecked. Learning to manage them is a large part of thinking clearly.
Complete control over emotions is unrealistic, but understanding how they form helps you handle hard situations and avoid outcomes you'd regret. Emotions often arise suddenly, and your past experiences, learned behaviors and cultural environment influence them.
How an emotion unfolds
According to the process model of emotion developed by Prof. James Gross, an emotion develops in four stages:
- Situation: you face a situation, real or imagined, that carries emotional weight.
- Attention: you focus on it.
- Appraisal: you assess it based on your personality, goals and past experience.
- Response: you generate a reaction that reflects how you appraised the situation.
Deciding when to step in
Whether to let an emotion run its course or to step in is a personal choice, and no single answer fits everyone. A useful test is a simple risk assessment: what are the short- and long-term consequences of expressing or acting on this feeling? When emotions get in the way of daily tasks or damage your relationships, it is time to re-evaluate.
Seven ways to regulate emotions
Each strategy below works at a different stage of the process.
- Avoidance (situation selection): choose not to enter an emotionally charged situation, for example by limiting contact with someone who regularly upsets you.
- Direct request (situation modification): change the situation by stating your needs, such as asking someone to stop using phrases that upset you.
- Distraction (attention deployment): shift your focus to less emotional aspects of the situation, for example reading something on your phone to settle your nerves at a social event.
- Re-evaluation (cognitive reappraisal): reinterpret the situation. A friend who hasn't replied may be busy, which says nothing about whether they like you.
- Acceptance (cognitive shift): accept the situation without premature judgment, for example acknowledging a breakup while recognizing that it doesn't define your future.
- Expressive suppression (response modulation): hold back your visible reaction, such as managing your facial expression in a tense meeting. It can help in the moment, but research suggests that relying on it as a habit has costs, so use it sparingly.
- Physical reset (response modification): use breathing, movement or a short walk to calm your body when emotions run high.
The path forward
No single method works for everyone, because situations and personalities differ. Over time you build your own set of strategies and learn which one fits which moment.
As Jane Elliott put it, "Anything that is learned can be unlearned." That applies to habitual reactions as much as to beliefs.
So, who do you want to be?
References
- Gross, J. J. (2015). The extended process model of emotion regulation: Elaborations, applications, and future directions. Psychological Inquiry.
- McRae, K., & Gross, J. J. (2020). Emotion regulation. Emotion.
To work on this with Galya, book an online coaching session.
This article is for general information and reflection. Coaching is not therapy or medical care, and nothing here is a diagnosis or a substitute for advice from a licensed professional. If you are in immediate danger, call 999 (police) or 998 (ambulance).